I love my children completely. I love being a mother. In the end, mothering has expanded my heart and my soul more than any other thing I had ever done.
But some days were positively brain deadening.
The joy of mothering is in the moments of discovery and delight and the snuggling and loving.
The challenge of mothering was in the repetition involved in ministering to small kids, coupled with the persistence of the constant battle of wills with opinionated children.
Many days I was simply a numb mum.
Setting my emotions like flint to deal with a day filled with chaos.
It seemed like the only way to survive.
It explained why I often could not stop yawning when I read aloud to the kids. Checked out. Distanced. Brain somewhere else, or brain taking a wee nap.
It explained why I sometimes ran out the door when hubby came home. I had to get away and detach so I could feel something again.
It explained why I perhaps spent a little too much time on the internet trying to connect with someone who didn’t drool and demand.
I remember those overwhelmed years with great fondness and love.
My only regret?
I wish I could have been more PRESENT. Instead of constantly feeling like I was in survival mode, I wish I had been in delight mode. I’m afraid I missed a lot.
My kids are mostly grown. I am grateful every day that I am alert to life and seizing the moments.
I look around and feel great sadness when I see checked-out dads and detached mums, just going through the motions.
My life goal, for whatever remains, is simply this: Be present.
Don’t miss it.